I am a person who has always been bad at asking for help. I do not love delegating. I do not love depending on other people. I like to handle my own things.

Pediatric cancer made it clear, very quickly, that I could not handle my own things. We needed help. We needed it constantly. We needed it from people who loved us and did not always know how to offer it.

I had to learn how to ask. Here is what I learned, in case it is useful for the parent reading this who is, like me, terrible at this.

Why this is so hard for many cancer parents

Most of the cancer parents I know are people who, before diagnosis, prided themselves on competence. We are people who can manage things. We are people who do not, generally, like being on the receiving end of casseroles.

Diagnosis blows that up. Suddenly you are a person who needs casseroles. And rides. And gas cards. And someone to take the sibling. And someone to walk the dog.

Accepting help, for many of us, feels like an admission of a failure we have been working our whole adult lives to avoid. It is uncomfortable in a deeply personal way.

““Play is how a child processes a hospital. It is not a break from treatment. It is part of treatment.””

— Child Life Specialist at Advocate Children's Hospital.

What I learned about why people want to help

Here is the thing I did not understand for a long time. The people in our lives who wanted to help, wanted to help. They were not doing it out of pity. They were doing it because they loved us, and they were sitting in their own helplessness about our situation, and the only thing they could do was offer something concrete.

When I said no, I was not protecting them. I was leaving them holding their own helplessness.

When I said yes, I was giving them a way to channel their love into action.

Reframing it this way changed how I asked. I started to think of accepting help as a generosity I was extending to the people who loved us.

A script for parents who hate asking for help

Step 1: Make a list of what is actually hard this week

Sit down for five minutes with a notebook. Write down everything that is feeling heavy this week. Big things and small. Examples:

· I am dreading dinner Thursday.

· I have not had a haircut in seven months.

· The laundry is going to swallow us alive.

· I cannot face the grocery store.

· I have not been able to read a book in months.

· Our dog needs walking.

· I am exhausted.

Step 2: Match each item to a person who has offered

Go through your phone. Find the texts that said "let me know if you need anything." Match each one to one item on your list.

· Sarah offered. She is a meal-train type. Match her to Thursday dinner.

· My cousin asked what she could do. She loves errands. Match her to the grocery run.

· My neighbor said anything. He has a dog. Match him to the dog walk.

· My sister keeps saying she wants to come visit. Match her to a Saturday so I can go for a haircut.

Step 3: Send the specific ask

Use this template. It works almost every time.

"Hi [name]. You offered to help and I am terrible at asking. Would you be able to [specific thing] on [specific day]? No pressure at all if not, but I wanted to take you up on it. Thank you for everything."

That is it. That is the whole script.

Step 4: Receive the help

When the person says yes, do not over-thank, do not over-apologize, do not add caveats. Receive the help with simple gratitude. "Thank you so much. This means a lot."

Then accept it when it shows up. The casserole is on the porch. Bring it inside. The person took your dog for a walk. Say thanks. Move on.

Things that helped me ask more easily

I made it a phrase I used out loud

I started saying out loud, "I am terrible at this, but here is what would help." Naming my discomfort took the edge off. The person on the other end usually laughed and said, "I am so glad you told me."

I leaned on a smaller circle for the bigger asks

Big asks (sleepovers for the sibling, a weekend at the hospital with us, financial help) went to a smaller, closer circle. Smaller asks (meals, errands, dog walks) went out to a wider circle.

I built a small "help text" group

Three people in my life ended up on a small text thread where I could send a one-line ask. "Hey, can someone bring me coffee tomorrow morning?" Whoever was free responded. The small group meant I was not putting all of it on one person.

I let some help fail

Not every offer of help worked out. Sometimes the casserole arrived on the wrong day. Sometimes the friend forgot. Sometimes the dog walk did not happen. I learned to let small failures slide without making them a thing.

What this changed in my friendships

Asking for help, repeatedly, over a long period, made my friendships closer. The people I let in deeper became people I now know in a different way than I would have without this experience.

Asking is a form of intimacy. I had been protecting my friendships, in a way, by not asking. Letting that wall come down was scary at first. It became, over time, one of the gifts of this whole season.

A note for the parent reading this who is bad at this

You are not alone. Most cancer parents I know are bad at this. The work of learning to ask is part of the work of being a cancer family.

Try the script. Start with a small ask. Receive the help. Send the next one.

Your community wants to help. You are doing them a kindness by giving them a way to do it.

Dina
Mom of Max | Founder, Maxwell’s Toy Shoppe
Childhood Cancer Advocate 💛

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