What the Word "Strong" Started to Mean to Me
Cancer parents hear the word "strong" a lot.
"You are so strong." "I do not know how you do it." "I could never be as strong as you." "Your family is so strong." "He is such a strong little boy."
These are loving sentences. They are almost always offered with the best of intentions, from people who care about us and want to acknowledge what we are going through. I do not want to push back on the word. I want to tell you what it started to mean to me, after a few hundred uses.
What I think people mean when they say it
When people tell us we are strong, I think they mean a few things at once.
I think they mean: I see that this is hard.
I think they mean: I am amazed by what your family is doing.
I think they mean: I do not have the words for this, and "strong" is the closest one I can find.
I think they mean: I love you.
All of that is true. The sentence comes from love. The sentence is also, sometimes, the thing the person can offer when they do not know what else to offer.
What it sometimes lands as
Here is what "you are so strong" sometimes lands as, on a hard day, in a cancer mom's body.
It lands as: you do not have a choice. You are strong because the alternative is unthinkable. You are strong because somebody has to be.
It lands as: please keep being strong. I cannot handle it if you fall apart. I need you to be the brave one in this story.
It lands as: I do not actually know what to ask you. So I am giving you a compliment and moving on.
Again, none of these things are what the person saying it means. But the cancer mom on the receiving end of the sentence, on a hard Wednesday in the parking lot of the clinic, hears all of these layers at once.
What I have come to want instead
I want to be allowed to not be strong sometimes
The version of me that lives inside the word "strong" is the version that is holding it together. There is another version of me. The version that cries in the car after a hard appointment. The version that is exhausted. The version that is sometimes angry, sometimes scared, sometimes just numb.
I want the people in my life to know that both versions of me exist. The strong one and the soft one. Both are valid. Neither is the whole picture.
I want a sentence that allows for both
Some of the sentences that have landed most softly for me, instead of "you are so strong," have been:
"You are doing such a hard thing."
"I am here for whatever version of you shows up today."
"I do not know how you are doing this. I love you."
"This is so hard. I am sorry. I am thinking of your family."
"You do not have to be strong around me."
These sentences leave room for me to be tired. They acknowledge what is happening without putting pressure on me to keep performing the version of myself that everyone has been told to admire.
What I want the people who love us to know
If you are reading this and you have been the person who says "you are so strong" to a cancer parent, please do not stop saying anything. The intention is right. The love is right. Most cancer parents are grateful for the acknowledgment, even when it is imperfect.
What I want you to know is that there is a small upgrade available. You can keep the love. You can adjust the word.
Instead of "you are so strong," try, "this is so hard." Try, "I love you." Try, "I am thinking of your whole family today."
These sentences land in a way that lets the cancer mom on the other end exhale.
What I want every cancer mom to know
If "you are so strong" has worn on you, you are not being ungrateful. You are responding to a sentence that has, by sheer repetition, taken on a weight it did not start with.
You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to be soft. You are allowed to not be strong this week.
The version of you that is having a quiet, hard, in-her-pajamas Tuesday is still the cancer mom your child needs. Strong is one shape. There are others.
Dina
Mom of Max | Founder, Maxwell’s Toy Shoppe
Childhood Cancer Advocate 💛
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